she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
