Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
not ubering you a puppy
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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