I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
