if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I am available for nakedness
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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