the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
