I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
