I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
splinters make it hard to masturbate
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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