remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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