he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize