She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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