The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
