Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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