Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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