I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
