did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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