why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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