his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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