I'm jealous of your bromance
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
