I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
