I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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