she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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