I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
