If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
