im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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