I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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