I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
