We named our party play list daddy issues
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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