I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
