I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
