I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
