i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
