Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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