The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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