Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
