After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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