I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
