help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
