It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
