I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
