i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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