my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
