i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
worst night to have a conscience
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
