I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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