i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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