"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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