i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize