grandma shit on top of the toilet
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Every concussion has its silver lining
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize