some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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