i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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