Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
