I think I won the penis lottery.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
