I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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