okay pat passed out under dana's car
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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