I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
