Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
