After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize