Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
