still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
