Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
