I wish I only lived at night.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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