We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
