haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
