I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
