i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I think your dad took our porno
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
