he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
