The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
