That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
