last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
