I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
She's like a pop up book from hell.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
