Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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