college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
