I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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