sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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