I'm lost and stupid without you.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
