I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
