not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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