I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
